lonely?

hmmm...off day today...but suddenly feel like writing down my feelings....lol...well as de title stated is not gonna be a happi feeling?....hmmm...i juz msn someone...but yet...i feel so distant n lonely talking to him....do i still like him?....even we still "talk" in msn...i dunno...de feeling is always so sad...n sorrowful...well we r not tat close...he seems fine to mi...like nothing ever happen...but we did not meet after tat...guess it would be awkward...maybe he is avoiding mi bahz to prevent more trouble from happening...he din ask mi out anymore le....i also dun wan to trouble him....

cry?...nahz i dun feel like crying...but juz got this feeling....its like talking to a stranger...like a hi-bye friend...n somehow no connection...not even friends i guess even though he tried to be after i ask him tat if we were still friends...hmmm...guess he dun visit ppl bloggy...heee...so pheww....sian...i feel so down talking to him...how come? coz of rejection?....maybe bahz...maybe...he has his barriers up against mi...i am juz like standing in front of a high n huge n tall concrete cold wall....looking up into grey sky...cant find any door or entrance....its hard to forget...but i told myself to gave up already....but i still looking for hope...sillllllllly sia....



am i still a kid?
i feel so...even my looks r mature...in my heart...i am still a kid?
haven i grown? mature?
lol...i am gonna be 20 soon...my thinking is still a kid ma?
have i become stronger? or i am still weak as ever....relying on others' help...
yes...dependent on others...i cant be independent...forever relying on my friends...
is tat a weakling i see in myself?
am i still in shadows of my friends? i tot i come out of it...but hav i walk in again?
my life...has no meaning...juz live by each day...
do i exisit?...does my exisitance matter?...
r these stupid thinkings?....i am still as naive...or wat u call stupid?
am i living for myself?...who am i living for....my own happiness?
lol guess i have gone bananas XD